“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”
― Brené Brown
Brené Brown's quote describes much of my life journey. At some point during my childhood, I came to the conclusion that the world is not a safe place. I knew it was chock full of harm and scarcity. From this fearful worldview, I moved forward through life constantly seeking safety for my anxious body, mind and soul.
I have written here often about how an almost desperate desire for safety fueled by fear was my guiding star. Thoughts like, "people are unkind, you have to compete for attention, you have to do whatever it takes to gain approval, there isn't enough money, if I have ____ then ____." I was convinced that there just wasn't enough of anything in the world and I for damn sure wasn't enough. I have taken jobs, stayed with friends, compromised my own individuality and chosen lovers from this debilitating position.
Life is a good school. Many (if not all) of my choices made from a place of fear brought me face to face with the things I feared most: betrayal, financial problems, shallow friendships, and isolation. (Read: My personal projection of hell on earth). Cue the fast fixes: food, alcohol, drugs, countless diversions to self avoid which ushered in on red carpets "anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief".
Can I just tell you how grateful I am that life does that? It grabs us by our throats, pushes us up against the wall with our feet dangling about a foot above the ground and demands we go through the scary stuff or the "can't keep my mind off you/it", intense stuff so we can find the truth and grow. I am apparently a very slow learner at times because I can clearly see the same lessons hit my time line over and over again. It's such an amazing experience to recognize a lesson for what it is from a distance and do a new thing, a higher thing.
Lesson graduation. *That* is good stuff and where the light of truth breaks through. In truth, it is an abundant life where we have enough, we are enough and we don't need to hold onto people, experiences and things to stay "safe". Life holds us in such a way that we can boldly emerge as our true selves. We can trust the process, trust life, trust God and love what is as it arises.
Crazy, radical gratitude pours out from these little graduation podiums in waves of loving kindness and compassion. And it isn't "the real deal" loving kindness and compassion until it extends to everyone (including you!). It is here we discover the antidote for the fearful life: wild, ego busting, mind bending, vibration raising loving kindness and compassion. Higher ground.
Peace and BIG LOVE to everyone from the farm tonight,
"We're all just walking each other home." -Ram Dass
"In all their affliction He was afflicted, And the angel of His presence saved them; In His love and in His mercy He redeemed them, And He lifted them and carried them all the days of old." -Isaiah 63:9